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And Even If I Went With You, I'm Not The Girl You Think I Am...
Current mood: discontent

Pray For Me If You Fucking Dare

So you and someone have a really bad break up. they're a complete asshole to you and you don't even know what the fuck just happened because it hit you out of no where. what the fuck do you do? get over it, right? it's over, obviously they weren't who you thought they were.

You've got everyone on one side pointing out how you were too good for them anyways and then you've got the other half acting like there's nothing wrong with you because you thought they were good friends but they can't tell that you're seriously not really all there inside. because you just got your insides torn to shreds, who'd be alive after that? so you're in the middle of the people who care so much and the people who don't care at all and you start to realize who your real friends are. people who you barely talked to become better friends than people who are the closest to you. how much sense does everything make?

i just like playing hospital.

anyways, so you're pretending you hate this guy, i mean, he broke your fucking heart, why would you bother with him? so you put on this act like you can't fucking stand him when you know damn well that if he talked to you tomorrow you'd still want to be friends, and you know you still want to be with him because the good times outweigh the bad times by a million and yet you know its not going to happen, and your friends would probably kick your ass but if you had him back what would that matter?

i mean, you're still accidently dialing his phone number everytime you pick up the phone, and everytime the phone rings you jump up like you think it's for you but you know it's not for you because no one calls here anymore since he decided he didn't love you anymore. so you're still dreaming about the guy because what else can you do? and you're still thinking about him no matter how much everyone sits there and tells you you're stupid for not getting over him, but how do you do that? seriously, how do you just wake up and be over someone, after they just abandon you like that, and yeah you should hate them, why the hell wouldn't you hate them? look what the bastard did to you, but still you're making up excuses for him, that's what  you did the last month you were together, make up excuses for the bastard because you needed it to last so badly, and then it didn't and you're sitting here like you're still together because it had to be a bad dream right?

so you're dreaming about him, than you're dreaming about kissing other guys, than you're dreaming about making him miserable, because you want him to feel like you do, you don't want him to be happy while you're sitting here drowning in your misery because no one seems to compare when you know, he wasn't even that great in the first place, but why live a lie? i mean, you know you loved him and you can't just be like "okay its over" because you still want the friendship, you still want to have someone to wrap their arms around you, but you don't want just anyone to do that, you want HIM to do that, so here you are completely fucked and you did it to yourself. real smart. you knew it'd happen, and you swore you'd never trust a guy again and then you turn around and trust a guy and what does he do? he uses your trust against you. and then everyone laughs when you say you hate men like it's just some little joke but in reality, you don't hate them, you're terrified of them, because they're out to destroy you. than you don't even know what you're talking about because you're writing this without any prior thoughts because you just feel like writing whatever comes to mind, so everyone's going to read this and wonder what the fuck your problem is but you know I'M NOT GONNA LIVE MY LIFE ON ONE SIDE OF THE AMPERSAND.

and now you're listening to CDs repeatedly because what else can you do, and you're making mix cds about how much the guy just killed you and you're rewriting letters to him over and over again, you're not concentrating in school because how can you concentrate? he just fucked you over. and you know what.

thats when you decide that you don't even know what the fuck is going on with this world because clearly everyone is fucked in the head, but they're not as fucked in the head as you because you refuse to allow anyone that title, because you know you're the most insane person out of all of them.

Telling me to get over it isn't going to help, sorry, it's just not going to happen, I need to talk to him about it, but I may never get the chance...history is repeating itself now isn't it?

Misery Loves Company...are you suffering yet?

and that's it.

that's fucking it.

it's over.

I walk down my street at night
The city lights are cold and violent
I am comforted by the approaching sound of trucks and sirens
Even though the world's so bad, these men rush out to help the dying
And though I am no use to them, I do my part by simply smiling

The ghetto boys are catcalling me
As I pull my keys from my pocket
I wonder if this method of courtship has ever been effective
Has any girl in history said "Sure, you seem so nice, let's get it on"
Still, I always shock them when I answer, "Hi, my name's Amanda"

And I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you, I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely
No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy

I have wasted years of my life agonizing about the fires I started
When I thought that to be strong, you must be flame retardant
And now to dress the wounds calls into question how authentic they are
There's always someong criticizing me: "She just likes playing hospital"
Lying in my bed, I remember what you said: "There's no such thing as accidents"

But you've got the headstone all ready, all drawn up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction, those his and hers matching
The headstone's all push up'n, pairs to the horizon
Your eyes full of ketchup, it's nice that you're trying

The headstone's all ready, all carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction, those his and hers matching
The daisies all push up'n, pairs to the horizon
Your eyes full of ketchup, it's nice that you're trying

But I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you, I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely
No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy

As I wake up to a cough, the fire burned the block but ironically
Stopped at my apartment and my housemates are all sleeping soundly
And nobody deserves to die for you were awful adament
That if I didn't love you then you had just one alternative

And I may be romantic and I may risk my life for it
But I ain't gonna die for you, you know I ain't no Juliet
And I'm not gonna match, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely
No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy

Currently listening : buddy holly - greatest hits By Buddy Holly Release date: By 24 September, 1996