august 24, 2006

It's Not The Way I'm Meant To Be, It's Just The Way The Operation Made Me...
Current mood: pensive
Category: life

So it's settled.

Jackie's lost her fucking mind. And I'm being serious, I don't know whats going on. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time. The time I've spent sitting around being depressed...I could have spent doing something amazing.

I could've learned piano, or guitar, or I could have taken up journalism, or written stories, I could model in more photoshoots, I could actually take photoshoots.

but instead, I don't do anything I should. I just sit here and think up all these things I could be doing. I used to write, I used to make collages....

...now I don't do any of that. I used to actually do something with my creativity, I used to use my depression for productive things.

I need to be more productive.

what the fuck am I going to do with myself?

I have to do something amazing, I need to save the world, I know I probably sound ridiculous, but I'm so fucking serious. I don't know what it is, but something has seriously gotten into me the past week. I haven't done anything I should have done, I should be doing something productive. I need to learn everything I ever wanted to learn, I need to travel, I need excitement, I fucking NEED something. I don't even know what I need. I don't know why I'm freaking out so much suddenly.

I think I'm scaring people, the fact that I'm freaking out, the fact that I'm 16 and freaking out this much doesn't seem to be making much sense.

but somehow it does. I mean, I don't even know why, I guess I look at things that I think are awesome, and I wonder why the fuck I'm not doing that, why haven't I learned how yet. Even things that are just hobbies, why haven't I bothered to learn things I planned on learning? Why haven't I gone and watched all the movies I want to see, why haven't I done everything I wanted to do? Why the fuck am I so incredibly frustrated all the time?

I feel like I can't do anything right, like I'm not accomplishing anything.

I NEED to do everything I planned on, whether it's useful or not.

I'm going to learn piano

and start writing again

I'm going to get a job

and volunteer

I'm going to learn to sew

and model for more photoshoots,

I'm going to get a new camera and take pictures,

I'm going to do everything I ever wanted,

I'm going to go to Germany,

I'm going to get over HIM and not let that bullshit get to me anymore

I'm going to laugh when I see his picture,

I'm going to laugh at everything,

I'm not going to care about what people think to any extent anymore,

I'm not going to care what he's doing

I'm not going to care about him at all.

I'm going to care about NOW.

I don't care about the past anymore, I'm starting over, that shit no longer exists in my memory.

I'll do anything and everything I want...

Hell, I'll even be a Suicide Girl.

I don't care how the hell it happens,

but it will all happen.

I'll make it happen

I'm going to do all this and MORE

<3