And Even If I Went With You, I'm Not The Girl You Think I Am...
Current mood: discontent

Pray For Me If You Fucking Dare

So you and someone have a really bad break up. they're a complete asshole to you and you don't even know what the fuck just happened because it hit you out of no where. what the fuck do you do? get over it, right? it's over, obviously they weren't who you thought they were.

You've got everyone on one side pointing out how you were too good for them anyways and then you've got the other half acting like there's nothing wrong with you because you thought they were good friends but they can't tell that you're seriously not really all there inside. because you just got your insides torn to shreds, who'd be alive after that? so you're in the middle of the people who care so much and the people who don't care at all and you start to realize who your real friends are. people who you barely talked to become better friends than people who are the closest to you. how much sense does everything make?

i just like playing hospital.

anyways, so you're pretending you hate this guy, i mean, he broke your fucking heart, why would you bother with him? so you put on this act like you can't fucking stand him when you know damn well that if he talked to you tomorrow you'd still want to be friends, and you know you still want to be with him because the good times outweigh the bad times by a million and yet you know its not going to happen, and your friends would probably kick your ass but if you had him back what would that matter?

i mean, you're still accidently dialing his phone number everytime you pick up the phone, and everytime the phone rings you jump up like you think it's for you but you know it's not for you because no one calls here anymore since he decided he didn't love you anymore. so you're still dreaming about the guy because what else can you do? and you're still thinking about him no matter how much everyone sits there and tells you you're stupid for not getting over him, but how do you do that? seriously, how do you just wake up and be over someone, after they just abandon you like that, and yeah you should hate them, why the hell wouldn't you hate them? look what the bastard did to you, but still you're making up excuses for him, that's what  you did the last month you were together, make up excuses for the bastard because you needed it to last so badly, and then it didn't and you're sitting here like you're still together because it had to be a bad dream right?

so you're dreaming about him, than you're dreaming about kissing other guys, than you're dreaming about making him miserable, because you want him to feel like you do, you don't want him to be happy while you're sitting here drowning in your misery because no one seems to compare when you know, he wasn't even that great in the first place, but why live a lie? i mean, you know you loved him and you can't just be like "okay its over" because you still want the friendship, you still want to have someone to wrap their arms around you, but you don't want just anyone to do that, you want HIM to do that, so here you are completely fucked and you did it to yourself. real smart. you knew it'd happen, and you swore you'd never trust a guy again and then you turn around and trust a guy and what does he do? he uses your trust against you. and then everyone laughs when you say you hate men like it's just some little joke but in reality, you don't hate them, you're terrified of them, because they're out to destroy you. than you don't even know what you're talking about because you're writing this without any prior thoughts because you just feel like writing whatever comes to mind, so everyone's going to read this and wonder what the fuck your problem is but you know I'M NOT GONNA LIVE MY LIFE ON ONE SIDE OF THE AMPERSAND.

and now you're listening to CDs repeatedly because what else can you do, and you're making mix cds about how much the guy just killed you and you're rewriting letters to him over and over again, you're not concentrating in school because how can you concentrate? he just fucked you over. and you know what.

thats when you decide that you don't even know what the fuck is going on with this world because clearly everyone is fucked in the head, but they're not as fucked in the head as you because you refuse to allow anyone that title, because you know you're the most insane person out of all of them.

Telling me to get over it isn't going to help, sorry, it's just not going to happen, I need to talk to him about it, but I may never get the chance...history is repeating itself now isn't it?

Misery Loves Company...are you suffering yet?

and that's it.

that's fucking it.

it's over.

I walk down my street at night
The city lights are cold and violent
I am comforted by the approaching sound of trucks and sirens
Even though the world's so bad, these men rush out to help the dying
And though I am no use to them, I do my part by simply smiling

The ghetto boys are catcalling me
As I pull my keys from my pocket
I wonder if this method of courtship has ever been effective
Has any girl in history said "Sure, you seem so nice, let's get it on"
Still, I always shock them when I answer, "Hi, my name's Amanda"

And I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you, I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely
No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy

I have wasted years of my life agonizing about the fires I started
When I thought that to be strong, you must be flame retardant
And now to dress the wounds calls into question how authentic they are
There's always someong criticizing me: "She just likes playing hospital"
Lying in my bed, I remember what you said: "There's no such thing as accidents"

But you've got the headstone all ready, all drawn up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction, those his and hers matching
The headstone's all push up'n, pairs to the horizon
Your eyes full of ketchup, it's nice that you're trying

The headstone's all ready, all carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction, those his and hers matching
The daisies all push up'n, pairs to the horizon
Your eyes full of ketchup, it's nice that you're trying

But I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
And even if I went with you, I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely
No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy

As I wake up to a cough, the fire burned the block but ironically
Stopped at my apartment and my housemates are all sleeping soundly
And nobody deserves to die for you were awful adament
That if I didn't love you then you had just one alternative

And I may be romantic and I may risk my life for it
But I ain't gonna die for you, you know I ain't no Juliet
And I'm not gonna match, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely
No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy

Currently listening : Buddy Holly - Greatest Hits By Buddy Holly Release date: By 24 September, 1996

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Don't Give A Damn About My Bad Reputation Current mood: cynical   For anyone of you who actually cares, I wasn't at school today because I haven't gotten out of bed since monday, which is why it took me a few days to respond to any messages. Thanks by the way, to the people I eat lunch with, you guys are all too cool. ^.^ it was nice to wake up and have a message from you guys. Anyways, since sunday i've had this mixture of sickness and depression all coming together, and trying to avoid it. i stayed home today because i honestly didn't have the ability to deal with anyone. So instead I took it upon myself to lay in bed all day and sleep, watch movies, and a few t.v. shows, but mostly sleep. I still feel like shit emotionally but i feel better physically. And I do feel somewhat better emotionally thanks to Tyler who never fails to make me feel better, but i'm still not 100% either way. Excuse my inability to remain happy for more than a week these days. I do try, but attempts get rather worthless after a while. It's as if as soon as I start to feel 99%, something happens to change my mood around and make me the kind of person that isn't too thrilling to be around, not that anyone cares how "thrilling" i am to be around, as long as i'm there to hear you bitch, right? I'm only here for you when you're unhappy of course. Excuse me for that behavior, but I've come to terms with the fact that I honestly don't give a shit. I'm sorry if I don't drone over everyone's problems as much as I used to, I do still try and care but this highschool drama is overwhelming and this huge battle over "whos fucking who" and "that boy/girl doesn't like me" is getting ridiculous. And I've started to feel like the only reason anyone even talks to me these days is to bitch about things that wont matter in a few years anyways. I think it's time for everyone to just grow up and deal with their shit, because dolls, there's much worse things in the world to deal with rather than who you're going to prom with or whos cheating on who or whatever. it gets ridiculous after a while. highschoolers.are.fucking.ridiculous. these girls and boys who get so wrapped up in their fickle little highschool relationships like they're seriously going to last. it's ridiculous. you think you can base the rest of your life on a relationship where you don't do anything but make out all the time? where you constantly change yourselves to impress the other rather than just loving eachother for the bullshit pathetic people you are? everyone you call your so-called friends' services are no longer needed once you've got a fuck buddy because you've got your fickle relationship so no one matters anymore. you're all ridiculous pathological liars. you lie so people will actually like you, because you know yourself unlike everyone else, you know how poor and pathetic you are, how many lies you have to tell just so you can get a date to prom. why the fuck do you even bother waking up in the morning? Do you realize how fucking dead you all really are? how little of yourselves is actually left in your pathetic excuse for a mind? Not to mention you pathetic cretins who take it upon yourself to pull the whole "i'm such an individual" routine and act like you're your own person when we all know as soon as a new crowd rolls around you'll be lighting up a cigarette just so they think you're cool and hard core but we all know when the next batch of kids rolls around who thinks smoking is for pussys you'll be the straightest kid around. right? fuck you. you suck you know you're going to lose everything eventually. Do you think for a second your "friends" will stick around? fuck no, they get what they want and when you give them something to deal with they don't want anything to do with you. these highschool friendships, don't think they'll last. these people will get rid of you first chance they get at something better. your assistance is only temporary. Than they go ahead and change themselves to impress the next batch of idiots to come along. Hell, in highschool people are too busy changing themselves to impress everyone that they don't know SHIT about themselves. You're with one crowd you're a laid back, straight edge, bisexual person who doesn't give a shit about what other people think. but once you go to the next group you're suddenly straight, uptight and bitchy, you go to one group you're a fucking lesbian, you impress whoever the fuck you can just to get a cheap thrill for a few months until you find someone else to change for. Tell me, who the fuck in their right mind would let their """"Friends"""" choose their sexuality, personality, and preferences for them? well, medically speaking probably ANYONE in their right mind would and anyone who didn't probably has some fucking personality disorder right? yeah i bet you're reading this right now and agreeing with everything i'm saying being like "yeah man she's so right, highschoolers totally suck i'm not like that at all" BULLSHIT. you're exactly that. you probably don't think you are but why don't you go look in a fucking mirror, you're a shallow fucking idiot. you think the fact you're in advanced classes makes you smart? that you've got straight A's? That you're going to Harvard. you're not fucking smart. you're just as stupid as the guy that uses pot or cocaine or heroin to forget his problems. you're fucking pathetic. you think you "know how i feel"? or "see what i mean?" yeah fucking right. tell me that in 5 years when you're married and fucking your husband's bestfriend, or you're walking out on your wife in 5 fucking kids on welfare and i'm in a fucking insane asylum because i can't stand anymore of you people's bullshit. you're all the fucking same, it makes me want to fucking scream. yeah whatever. have fun in highschool, i'll be there physically but my mind is way more advanced than your teenage bullshit.   "To all the ones who hated me the most, a toast, you really had me going for a second I was nervous, boy am I the poster girl?"   oh and for anyone who cares, friday night was fun, saturday kind of sucked except for the night time ^.^ and sunday was whatever. there's your update on my weekend ciao.   Oh...and If you considered this blog might be about you...it probably was.   Currently watching : Girl, Interrupted Release date: By 06 June, 2000 10:45 PM - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Don't Give A Damn About My Bad Reputation Current mood: cynical   For anyone of you who actually cares, I wasn't at school today because I haven't gotten out of bed since monday, which is why it took me a few days to respond to any messages. Thanks by the way, to the people I eat lunch with, you guys are all too cool. ^.^ it was nice to wake up and have a message from you guys. Anyways, since sunday i've had this mixture of sickness and depression all coming together, and trying to avoid it. i stayed home today because i honestly didn't have the ability to deal with anyone. So instead I took it upon myself to lay in bed all day and sleep, watch movies, and a few t.v. shows, but mostly sleep. I still feel like shit emotionally but i feel better physically. And I do feel somewhat better emotionally thanks to Tyler who never fails to make me feel better, but i'm still not 100% either way. Excuse my inability to remain happy for more than a week these days. I do try, but attempts get rather worthless after a while. It's as if as soon as I start to feel 99%, something happens to change my mood around and make me the kind of person that isn't too thrilling to be around, not that anyone cares how "thrilling" i am to be around, as long as i'm there to hear you bitch, right? I'm only here for you when you're unhappy of course. Excuse me for that behavior, but I've come to terms with the fact that I honestly don't give a shit. I'm sorry if I don't drone over everyone's problems as much as I used to, I do still try and care but this highschool drama is overwhelming and this huge battle over "whos fucking who" and "that boy/girl doesn't like me" is getting ridiculous. And I've started to feel like the only reason anyone even talks to me these days is to bitch about things that wont matter in a few years anyways. I think it's time for everyone to just grow up and deal with their shit, because dolls, there's much worse things in the world to deal with rather than who you're going to prom with or whos cheating on who or whatever. it gets ridiculous after a while. highschoolers.are.fucking.ridiculous. these girls and boys who get so wrapped up in their fickle little highschool relationships like they're seriously going to last. it's ridiculous. you think you can base the rest of your life on a relationship where you don't do anything but make out all the time? where you constantly change yourselves to impress the other rather than just loving eachother for the bullshit pathetic people you are? everyone you call your so-called friends' services are no longer needed once you've got a fuck buddy because you've got your fickle relationship so no one matters anymore. you're all ridiculous pathological liars. you lie so people will actually like you, because you know yourself unlike everyone else, you know how poor and pathetic you are, how many lies you have to tell just so you can get a date to prom. why the fuck do you even bother waking up in the morning? Do you realize how fucking dead you all really are? how little of yourselves is actually left in your pathetic excuse for a mind? Not to mention you pathetic cretins who take it upon yourself to pull the whole "i'm such an individual" routine and act like you're your own person when we all know as soon as a new crowd rolls around you'll be lighting up a cigarette just so they think you're cool and hard core but we all know when the next batch of kids rolls around who thinks smoking is for pussys you'll be the straightest kid around. right? fuck you. you suck you know you're going to lose everything eventually. Do you think for a second your "friends" will stick around? fuck no, they get what they want and when you give them something to deal with they don't want anything to do with you. these highschool friendships, don't think they'll last. these people will get rid of you first chance they get at something better. your assistance is only temporary. Than they go ahead and change themselves to impress the next batch of idiots to come along. Hell, in highschool people are too busy changing themselves to impress everyone that they don't know SHIT about themselves. You're with one crowd you're a laid back, straight edge, bisexual person who doesn't give a shit about what other people think. but once you go to the next group you're suddenly straight, uptight and bitchy, you go to one group you're a fucking lesbian, you impress whoever the fuck you can just to get a cheap thrill for a few months until you find someone else to change for. Tell me, who the fuck in their right mind would let their """"Friends"""" choose their sexuality, personality, and preferences for them? well, medically speaking probably ANYONE in their right mind would and anyone who didn't probably has some fucking personality disorder right? yeah i bet you're reading this right now and agreeing with everything i'm saying being like "yeah man she's so right, highschoolers totally suck i'm not like that at all" BULLSHIT. you're exactly that. you probably don't think you are but why don't you go look in a fucking mirror, you're a shallow fucking idiot. you think the fact you're in advanced classes makes you smart? that you've got straight A's? That you're going to Harvard. you're not fucking smart. you're just as stupid as the guy that uses pot or cocaine or heroin to forget his problems. you're fucking pathetic. you think you "know how i feel"? or "see what i mean?" yeah fucking right. tell me that in 5 years when you're married and fucking your husband's bestfriend, or you're walking out on your wife in 5 fucking kids on welfare and i'm in a fucking insane asylum because i can't stand anymore of you people's bullshit. you're all the fucking same, it makes me want to fucking scream. yeah whatever. have fun in highschool, i'll be there physically but my mind is way more advanced than your teenage bullshit.   "To all the ones who hated me the most, a toast, you really had me going for a second I was nervous, boy am I the poster girl?"   oh and for anyone who cares, friday night was fun, saturday kind of sucked except for the night time ^.^ and sunday was whatever. there's your update on my weekend ciao.   Oh...and If you considered this blog might be about you...it probably was.   Currently watching : Girl, Interrupted Release date: By 06 June, 2000 10:45 PM - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

It's Not The Way I'm Meant To Be, It's Just The Way The Operation Made Me...
Current mood: pensive
Category: Life

So it's settled.

Jackie's lost her fucking mind. And I'm being serious, I don't know whats going on. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time. The time I've spent sitting around being depressed...I could have spent doing something amazing.

I could've learned piano, or guitar, or I could have taken up journalism, or written stories, I could model in more photoshoots, I could actually take photoshoots.

but instead, I don't do anything I should. I just sit here and think up all these things I could be doing. I used to write, I used to make collages....

...now I don't do any of that. I used to actually do something with my creativity, I used to use my depression for productive things.

I need to be more productive.

what the fuck am I going to do with myself?

I have to do something amazing, I need to save the world, I know I probably sound ridiculous, but I'm so fucking serious. I don't know what it is, but something has seriously gotten into me the past week. I haven't done anything I should have done, I should be doing something productive. I need to learn everything I ever wanted to learn, I need to travel, I need excitement, I fucking NEED something. I don't even know what I need. I don't know why I'm freaking out so much suddenly.

I think I'm scaring people, the fact that I'm freaking out, the fact that I'm 16 and freaking out this much doesn't seem to be making much sense.

but somehow it does. I mean, I don't even know why, I guess I look at things that I think are awesome, and I wonder why the fuck I'm not doing that, why haven't I learned how yet. Even things that are just hobbies, why haven't I bothered to learn things I planned on learning? Why haven't I gone and watched all the movies I want to see, why haven't I done everything I wanted to do? Why the fuck am I so incredibly frustrated all the time?

I feel like I can't do anything right, like I'm not accomplishing anything.

I NEED to do everything I planned on, whether it's useful or not.

I'm going to learn piano

and start writing again

I'm going to get a job

and volunteer

I'm going to learn to sew

and model for more photoshoots,

I'm going to get a new camera and take pictures,

I'm going to do everything I ever wanted,

I'm going to go to Germany,

I'm going to get over HIM and not let that bullshit get to me anymore

I'm going to laugh when I see his picture,

I'm going to laugh at everything,

I'm not going to care about what people think to any extent anymore,

I'm not going to care what he's doing

I'm not going to care about him at all.

I'm going to care about NOW.

I don't care about the past anymore, I'm starting over, that shit no longer exists in my memory.

I'll do anything and everything I want...

Hell, I'll even be a Suicide Girl.

I don't care how the hell it happens,

but it will all happen.

I'll make it happen

I'm going to do all this and MORE

<3

We Had Fun, We Danced Alot, If You Don't Count All That Stumbling...
Current mood: accomplished

Dear Diary,

So I had a busy weekend, it was fun, and a good way to waste away one of the last weekends left of summer.

Thursday: I went to Juan's house around like....4 p.m. and hung out there for a while, we went to the lake and tried to get it to rain, i stepped in the mud and was like ankle deep, not cool. Than we went back to Juan's house and played with the SIPRelay thing which is always fun. around 8 katie came and picked me up and then we went downtown and went to the Mouser show for a little while but not very long because...well...neither of us really care for shows. so we left and went and tried to find Graham's house, which we didn't find but we made a new friend named Trey who was standing outside while we were trying to find the house. and he was nice so we talked to him. than we left. and we went to hot corner. where we played with the service bell, until Brandon took it away...than we stole it back. and walked around the block repeatedly "dinging" it. than we came back, and then we stole it and Brandon said to bring it back saturday. Than we went to Andrew's house and we ate bagel bites, than we watched Drive Me Crazy. then we went to sleep.

Friday: We woke up about 11:30, went to Katie's house and got ready, than went and picked Chris up, than we went downtown, and we rode buses around for quite some time because we were bored. than katie left and me and chris rode more buses haha and then chris had to go so i hung out around downtown until katie got done with her movie and what not. than we went to gyro wrap. than we met up with caleb. than we got bored and went back to katie's house eventually, waited for her mom to get home and then katie took the car and we went to andrew's house, andrew kicked us out so me and katie drove around for a while and tried to think of what to do, so first we went to walmart and we played in the little arcade place and then after we got bored there, we went downtown and went to hot corner to charge katie's phone. there we met this guy, Alex, who was really cool, so we stayed there til about 1:30 a.m. and then we called spike and told him we were going to go hang out with him at work. so we drove to his work place. and hung out in the security office with him, tyler, and dawn. than we got spike to give us his key, so we went to his apartment to play room raiders, but they changed the locks on him soooo we couldn't play. so we went back down and hung out in the security office for a bit longer. than around 4:30 a.m. we left and went to kroger and got brownie mix. than we went to katie's house and fell asleep around 5 a.m.

Saturday: katie was suppose to go hang out with nick and i was suppose to go hang out with juan, but we set the alarm wrong and instead of waking up at 11 a.m. as planned we woke up around 3 p.m. than we got ready and picked juan up and went to spike's house to play room raiders. he's lame and didn't answer his phone or door so we left and went to find sean lovell's house (((sean lovell= cool guy we met about a week ago at little italy, than hot corner, than on a bus))). we drove around and finally found it but he didn't answer at first. than we went to go get pizza and he called and was like "hey this is sean you called about 23 billion times while i was in the shower" than we went to sean's house and we played room raiders in his room. than we hung out around his house and watched clueless for like 3 hours. than around 9 p.m. we left and we went to hot corner to return the bell. than we went to tim schreiber's house where he was an asshole, so we left, than we took juan home. than we were like "hmm we're bored lets go to walmart" then i called chris and found out where he was and we went there instead, than we followed him because we were bored and we followed him and his room mate all the way back to their house and then we left and we went to walmart and got sprinkles. than we went back to katie's house and made brownies and nachos. than we ate them and watched Next. than we went to sleep around like 3 a.m.

Sunday: We woke up around 12 p.m. and got ready, than we went to go see the play "Once Upon A Mattress" than we went to the mall to get a pokemon game or whatever. than we drove to Winder to see Brian, we hung out there for a while and met his friend Kayla who was pretty cool, than we ate pizza and then walked to go see some water fall. then we walked back to brian's house and realized we had to leave. so we stayed for a few minutes longer and then we drove back to athens and then we took juan home and then i came home around 8. and then i sat around for a while and went online, than i called chris, than i watched t.v. and then finally fell asleep and thats the end of this weekend. ^.^

annnnd here's pictures of room raiders:

  me in the car

   me on sean's porch...

  this is sean lovell, we raided his room

     this is katie looking at sean's movies

me making weird faces at the camera wearing sean's subway hat...

   this is sean's roommate's list of things to do.

      this is sean's room

this is katie in sean's room

       this is me myspacing on sean's bed (its suppose to sound dirty gods haha)

WUSSUP MOMMAY?!?!?!??! (((you wouldn't get it...:] )))

               welsh pride :] <3

           room raiders in sean's room ^.^

       myspacing with sean because we're awesome.

the end of the pictures yay!!!

and p.s.

 CODY SAID ODL THAT LOW LIFE P.O.S MOTHERFUCKER!

the end.

haha <3

love, jackie<3

p.p.s

i want the new Damone CD

anyone wanna get it for me??? :]

<33333333333333

Maybe 4 a.m. sad songs and waltzes aren't the best cure for depression
Current mood: melancholy